What goes around... Comes around...

It's been a while since my last post here. I have no interests in posting some of the events that have happened after Christmas. If you want to know more about it, just visit Mikey's blog (http://chaoscouture.blogspot.com).

Yesterday was a bit gloomy and that adds up to my depression status. I call those kind of weather as PAUL WEATHER. I have been cold emotionally after my last relationship.

Just to let you know guys, my last partner cheated on me twice (it's because I caught him red handed) but that's not all. After 6 months of not being together, I've met new people here and there or during parties and it turned out, they all have stories to tell. And what's the funny thing about it? They will tell me that they went with this guy named J****E (who's my ex) last year. I even asked like what specific month and they will tell me that was around April-ish!!! FUCK! Super FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! At that time we're still together. I have been good to him. I was thinking all along that it's all my fault why we broke up. The nerve of that asshole to mess up with me. I am so sorry guys but I have been dying to vent this all out since yesterday. I even texted him and confronted him with what I have discovered. Below are the sms thread. Right now, I am still so furious about it.

Me: You know what, it amazes ma and it brings smile to my face evrytime I will know something with what you did when we are still together. You dating with other guys and stuff. I should have known earlier when we're still together Mr. You were long overdue for a strike out.

Him: I am sorry. That's why I deserve it all. And I know I still have to pay for it. Thanks for the lessons Paul.

Him: I know I don't deserve you. I don't deserve anybody! I am nothing, a bitch, a whore! I am pointless! And thanks for slapping it straight to my face. I don't deserve your hi, hellos or even your smile. And I'll accept it. I know I am bad. Thank you for everything Paul.

Me: Knowing what you are what you did is not enough. You should do something about it. After all, you're not that stupid or dumb right?

Me: I just want to know why did you do all those things? What have I done? Tell me? Exactly one of the reasons why I'm now cynic and jaded. Tell me why?

Him: Now you know the reason Why I can't face you for another dinner, a night out, 'Coz it's haunting me! and I am sorry. I know you don't deserve it and I know I hate myself. I am nothing and pointless.

Him: Paul, I know my sorry is not enough. I don't know how, I don't know how. I don't deserve you at all.

Me: Will you cut the crap. It's the other way around! I don't deserve all of these things to happen. I have given you everything and this is what I get in return? Still you're not answering me what was the reason why you did all those things.

Me: Have I been the worst partner ever? You tell me! I am no longer capable of loving someone thinking that I am the worst and the most lame partner someone could get. Tell me!

Him: You were not! I was loved by you. I am just as selfish immature beast. Selfish bitch. It's not you Paul and never because of you. You were a great partner! With love and lust but I was just tempted and trapped with my selfishness until I had fallen in love with you for the right time before you broke up with me. That's why I was cursed and I accepted it 'coz I know I deserve it.

See guys, can you imagine what I have been through? I have been considering him back in my life after I caught him cheating twice when we are still together but now, the more things I discover from other people, the more I feel pain and anger towards him. I was in rage yesterday and good thing I was able to talk to Alex about it but it's not even in full detail. I'm still keeping this hatred inside me now. You want to know what's the worst part in this? The first time I caught him, I was angry but after that, I smiled and said to myself... "Cheat on me once and I will cheat on you TEN TIMES!". I did that to him as well. He cheated on me the second time, I doubled my getting even with this person. Exaclty the reason why I broke up with him due to the fact that what we were having is not a healthy relationship at all. We're killing each other. But after we broke up, he didn't know that I have cheated on him as well. He could not expect me to be so dumb like him that can be caught red handed easily. I hate this! I just couldn't face the fact that he did cheat on me more than twice. I was too naive. As I have said to him, he was long overdue for a strike out. I thought he reached strike two against me. STUPID ME!

Now, I don't know what to do if i'll see him again. God forbid I don't want a scene. It's been a while since I confronted someone... I hope I can control my emotions by then. To my friends, please be on guard... Make sure you'll stop me before I can do something nasty to that person.

I asked few things from him when we're still together. To go to the mall with me, to watch movies with me, do some stuff partners would normally do but he never gave that all to me. Our relationship evolved in my four-cornered room. I have accepted him for what he is but behind my back, he was cheating on me. From the time we started our relationship up to the time we broke up, we never went to the movie house. I've been watching movies all alone by myself. My friends are aware of that. I know it's a bit unfair but I guess this is what we call KARMA. I've been up to no good before and I've hurt a lot of people. Now, I guess it's my time to feel all this shit. And I don't want to hurt any people anymore. Exactly the reason why I refuse to commit to someone. Others are courting but I am not sure if I can be the best that I can be. I'm having hard time myself feeling what love is. I am stoned. Cold. Jaded. Cynic. Bound to be a spinster.

Just to let you know, I am not over with my ex-es yet. To WOLVERINE and J****E... You guys did hurt me BIG TIME! Big Time in a sense that I have changed into a better person. After all, you taught me something out from this GAY WORLD! Thanks for everything!