Paulo Coelho. The well known author of THE ALCHEMIST.

Right now, I've been sulking myself from reading some of his novels and I have to admit... It moves me. And for now, I am reading his Book about LOVE. By the River Peidra I Sat Down and Wept... There were lines in the story that could really struck me and help me think that being cynic and jaded is the best thing to do. I know, that's not what he wanted to convey but I am still in the early chapters of the book and I so agree with him. I totally agree with Pilar, the name of the girl. She was in some painful relationhips before and now, she's stopping herself from falling in love.

Sharing with you some of the famous lines from the book that goes with being cynic or jaded.

"There's nothing deeper than love. In fairy tales, the princesses kiss the frogs, and the frogs become princes. In real life, the princesses kiss princes, and the princes turn into frogs." ------------ AMAZING! LOVE IT!

Here's another one. A heavy one.

"It's risky falling in love."
"I know that," I answered (Pilar). "I've been in love before. It's like a narcotic. At first it brings the euphoria of complete surrender. The next day, you want more. You're addicted yet, but you like the sensation, and you think you can still control things. You think about the person you love for two minutes, and forget them for three hours. But then you get used to that person, and you begin to be completely dependent on them. Now you think about him for three hours and forget him for two minutes. If he's not there, you feel like an addict who can't get a fix. And just as addicts steal and humiliate themselves to get what they need, you're willing to do anything for love."---------------- I AM SO OVER WITH THIS! BEG TO DEATH AND START HUMILIATING YOURSELF!

I know that in the story, Pilar will eventually open her heart and experience love but i don't think it will end up well. I need to finish this book now so that I'll know...

As for me... still I'm cynic and jaded. I just can't turn back and pick up my old self. Enough with these thoughts and I need to work now. Toodles!

Some of my friends have come up to a certain conclusion that I am living my life in pure negativity. I was once a firm believer of love... of ever after... of life full of ideals. But there were stages in my life that have made me believe they are all lies. They don't exist at all. Those kind of things can make us blind, giving us false hopes until we end up seeing ourselves crying in pain and desperation. Yes! I have experienced all these things already. I have tried loving the best way I could and everytime I do these things, I end up alone. I have given myself some chances, hoping that someday, my twin flame will come. But the more chances I give to myself, the more pain came in. And this pain have taught me how to conceal and close my heart from the possibility of settling with someone else.

Few of you will definitely say that I should be more open and try to reconsider the thought of falling in love. Staring blankly at the ceiling of my room trying to imagine myself, happy with someone else could give me a smile but my brain will come to the rescue by giving me the real scenario that could happen after a year or two. I have cried a lot of times as I drifted off to sleep. The memory of my crashing heart from my previous relationship is still fresh that everytime it crosses my mind, it gives me a deep pang. And talking about flashing memories, it's frequent. They know no place or time and if they want to give you a tinge of pain, they would do it with pleasure.

I am the King of Pretentions. I can pretend I am happy. I am contented. I don't need love. And love doesn't need me. Thinking that everytime I am lonely, sex is the best divertion. Trying to fulfill the empty spaces of my soul. And eventually, I would realize that by doing such thing, I've hurt a lot of people in the long run. I'm a complete chicken shit. Everytime someone will show affection and love to me, my heart will open suddenly. That will give me hope and urge to build a special relationship then, this brain of mine, my subconscious will start telling me things. Letting me feel that this is not a guarantee i'd end up a life of happiness and contentment. Then, that's the time I would start moving backwards... leaving that person hanging and clueless to what was going on. And the worst part is that, I would start looking for someone again that could help me opening my emotions and after a week or two, I'd be gone in a zap. Swoosh. To my friends... if you're going to ask me when will I start facing life in a different direction... I simply don't know the answer.

I have learned to hate love. I have learned to hate hope. I have learned to hate the idea of being in love. I simply hate love.

There were times I want to cry alone in my room and feeling the coldness wrapping me and feeling like you're in a deep black hole falling for eternity. Sometimes you wish someone would catch you but in reality, no one is out there. You only have yourself to catch you. Some people are saying that pain is a big part in a relationship or it is a big part of love. I have a strong answer for that. I don't wanna experience pain and as much as possible, I should avoid love. As what the doctor said, prevention is better than cure.

Some of these things have crossed my peanut-sized-brain after some serious conversation with a friend Mikey and Myke. Those two persons were experiencing deep pain with their past relationships and still, they're hopeful that things will turn out fine and better. And I was there to keep the balance. Being the cynic, cold, jaded and manhid, I turned out to be the antagonist of their lives. I contradict to most of their opinions. But after all, we all have our different views in life. To Mikey and Myke, please don't be like me. Sometimes it feels great to see people hoping for good things such as love.

This month alone, I have failed four persons already. They all attempted to open myself again but they all failed. They ended up hurt and I hate myself more from doing such things. But why on earth I can't stop hurting other people? Was it because I'm trying to make them feel what I have felt before? I am giving vengeance to the wrong person? Honestly? I don't know the answer.

As what my previous post said... I am not a partner material. And I have realized the reason why... I am not yet ready to compromise. I don't want changes in my life for now... and I just love the way it is.

Okay... no need to rub it in! I am one of the meanest person... ever! And I am lovin' it! I got this survey from Mikey Mike's blog entry. Weeeeee... Mean Girls Rocks! Mwah!

Which Mean Girl are You?

You're totally REGINA GEORGE!
Take this quiz!








Quizilla |
Join

| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

Well, I guess some of my friends knew about me already. About my lifestyle... my being somewhat alcoholic and my being UNFAITHFUL. It struck me the first time I heard the song UNFAITHFUL by Rihanna. In that song, she's the one cheating and that the other party got an idea about it but was simply denying the thought and tries to kill himself slowly... But, Rihanna wanted to end up everything. And she was having a hard time. I have experienced that as well. You have no idea that when we cheat, it's not plain fun... We have feelings as well but we lack courage to break the news right into their faces. Into our exes faces. Just imagine yourself always up and alert with what's going on around you, trying to hide things from your partner. This is the time wherein you invent stories, create lies, ask the help from your friends to cover your ass, or sometimes, involve your friends in the process of doing it. Not only the relationship with your partner was broken, but also to some of your friends. Cheating is one big gamble that we have to play. We get something from it and sometimes, we loose a lot. But as what they say... learn to pick up yourself and start the whole process again.

I am no hypocrite. I am the biggest liar ever. I love to play with other people's emotions. I love giving them hopes. I love to give them their dreams and snatch it away in a second. I felt bad. I felt contented. I felt satisfied. It boosts my ego. It builds me more confidence. I love cheating. I love to feel the palpitations as I screw someone while my phone is ringing and my partner is looking for me. I have mastered the art of making them believe what I wanted them to believe. I am not a Boyfriend material. Not at all. But one thing's for sure... I am a very good friend.

Enough with the self-confessed drama. I will be posting the lyrics of Rihanna's song so that you will somewhat get an idea what the song is all about. And by the way... the song in totality is great! I love it!

UNFAITHFUL by Rihanna

[Verse 1:]
Story of my life
Searching for the right
But it keeps avoiding me
Sorrow in my soul
Cause it seems that wrong
Really [loves/likes] my company

He's more than a man
And this is more than love
The reason that the [sky/guy] is blue
The clouds are rolling in
Because I'm gone again
And to him I just can't be true

[Bridge:]
And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dyin'

[Chorus:]
I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be.... a murderer

[Verse 2:]
I feel it in the air
As I'm doin my hair
Preparing for another date
A kiss upon my cheek
[He's here reluctantly/As he reluctantly]
[As if I'm gonna be out late/Asks if I'm gonna be out late]
I say I won't be long
Just hangin' with the girls
A lie I didn't have to tell
Because we both know
Where I'm about to go
And we know it very well

[Bridge:]
Cause I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I'm happy with some other guy
I can see him dyin'

[Chorus:]
I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be.... a murderer

[Breakdown - Verse 3:]
Our love... his trust
I might as well take a gun
And put it to his head
Get it over with
I don't wanna do this... anymore

Oooohhh... anymore

[Chorus:]
I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
And everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be.... a murderer

ooo... a murderer... no,no,no... yeah


That's all I have for now. Slowly revealing the real Paul. Until then bitches!

BAD NEWS! My drinking habit is taking its toll on me now. Sad but true. No, change that... Painful but true. I can't deny the fact that if its my Rest Day, my system is really searching for some toxins needed to be induced into my abused body. I have been a good follower and a servant of San Miguel Corporation, contribuitng to their sales by drowning myself with Red Horse. Damn! Actually, anything that has alcohol content I consume. I can drink eight 500ml's of Red Horse in one sitting. One liter of ABSOLUT Vodka... Yes! I did that! I have tried consuming one liter of Jose Cuervo way back in college. And month by month, my tolerance to alcoholic beverages sky rocketed and there is no way I can stop it.

Enough with the overview. The reason why I have decided to cut down on my drinking habit is because of health reasons. This is the third day already wherein I'm experiencing stomach cramps. On and off shots of pain inside my gut and I can't help but suffer. I don't vomit and I don't shit like crazy. Which means, the pain is just inside me. Inside my stomach. Good thing my tolerance to pain is comparable to my alcohol tolerance. You won't really see me holding my stomach of some sort and moan with pain. I'm good in hiding it. You will see me like the usual me. And last night, I have decided to throw a despidida drinking spree for myself. Let's have a breakdown of the booze I consumed last night.

1 glass of Vodka Sprite
5 glasses of Baileys
2 shots of Jose Cuervo
1 pitcher of Sex on Snow-extra hard (tastes like Blue Kamikaze)
2L of Red Horse

We started drinking right after our badminton game. Yes! I indulge myself in sports and badminton is my favorite for now. We play thrice a week and a bought a new racquet with good tension! A bit expensive but loving it! `Nuf with that. We dropped by Pipeline first since my agent invited me to a drinking session as part of her birthday celebration. They were drinking Red Horse at that time and I don't feel like drinking that shit. That's where I consumed the Vodka, Baileys and Tequila. After that, Mikey picked us up so that we could transfer to Mango Square and to our favorite tambayan, Numero Doce. And there, I consumed the whole pitcher of Sex on Snow. I've started drinking Red Horse right after that. Then we transferred to C24 to continue drinking and that's where I've consumed almost 2L of Red Horse. I can't believe we ended drinking around 6 am. Ugh!

During the time we were drinking, shots of pain are dancing like crazee inside my stomach. But that didn't stop me from drinking. I need to enjoy this before I put myself under medication of some sort. And now, this will be the third day I'm feeling shots of pain and I need to see a Doctor by tomorrow. Water therapy is what I am doing for now. I will be on hiatus from my drinking session until my liver is fixed. Or shall we say... until further notice.

That's it... this is my farewell for now from drinking spree and you will see more of me in some coffee shops having tea. Sounds so loser! Sob.

Okay, some of you guys doesn't know who's on the picture and to what's the reason why I have posted them here. *Clears Throat* Uhum... uhum... Bitches, meet Mikey Mike (the one wearing the baseball cap) aka my BFF and his new found "friend" Greg. We all know for a fact that I have been hanging out with Mikey lately just trying to enjoy each other's company as friends. And according to some of his posts from his blog, I am his older sister. He even calls me Mameja, the famous Geisha to whom Sayuri looked up to.

I have known Mikey for almost 3 years already and we never had a fight... not once. Maybe because we know for a fact that we have the same wavelenght when it comes to thinking and maturity at the same time. We both know what are our priorities in life and we never questioned that. One of us may be incommunicado for almost a month but still its okay 'coz we both know we have each other. I can say that he's one of my treasured friends here in Cebu.

One thing I don't like about him is his being silent about his personal life. I can still remember before when he called me up asking me if we could talk and he was crying at that time. I didn't know all along that he was in a relationship and the moment he told me about it, they're done. They have parted ways. They have said goodbye to each other. Well, I guess it's better to be late than never. I know that I am too blunt and too direct when giving advices and I don't give hope at all. Just setting the records straight that they won't just work out. I may sound harsh but it's just the way I see things. We were not that close when we had the conversation and right after that, I've known something deeper about my younger sister, Sayuri.

He knows a lot of stuff about me as well. My sex-capades, sorrows, bitterness, etc. Almost everything. And I just like the way he reacted to some of the things that my twisted mind created. It may be views in life, about being a bitch, how to hook-up with a stranger, how to raise complaints about the services around us, and everything. I just don't know if he's starting to get bored from listening to some of my blahs in life. I hope he did learn something out from it.

Now, he's seeing this guy named Greg, aka The Chairman, and everytime I see them, they look so happy together. You could see the twinkle from the Chairman's eyes and I know Mikey is just pretending to be naive. As what I have said to him before, he's just putting his defenses up. Of all people that he knew, I guess I was the first person who blurted out that he's just being defensive. He doesn't want to be rejected, just like me and he's not entertaining the thought at all that someone likes him. Sayuri, you better put those defenses down and start surrendering yourself to someone. I know you're still binded by your past and we don't know yet when will be the perfect time to move on but what I am saying is that, have your options open. You may close the door in your life for the time being but you need to keep your windows open. I know these are just words but these words that I'm saying came straight from your older sister, Mameja.

Always remember, getting hurt is part of the cycle and you just can't avoid them. Exactly the reason why we have friends to keep us up when we're down and to make us feel that someone is out there, waiting for us. And we wouldn't know if he's the one unless we've tried working out with them right? Bottom line is, don't stop yourself from feeling Happy. I know you're Happy with The Chairman. I hope I'm not wrong about this.

Always remember that I won't get tired hanging out with you... getting drunk, making dares, scrutinize people, shop, massage sessions, having those senseless conversations, and all of those stuff that we've been doing from Day 1.

Stay the same and don't you dare change Sayuri! The way you are is the perfect reason why I have accepted you as one of my closest friends... EVER!

Picture this out... One friend from your circle, screwed three of your ex-boyfriends? How would you feel? Disrespected? Happy? Flattered? If you're going to ask me, I would choose the first one. I would really feel disrespected. I felt disrespected.

Circle of friends... You always hang out together... Enjoy each other's company and you wouldn't expect that one of them will actually screw your ex's. This is not new actually and this happened or existed from day one I started to enjoy having sex with the same sex. My first group of friends, including me, were too immature to take things seriously. For example... this week, my partner will be my friend's partner after the next while some friend's partner will be mine. It's like open-the-basket-close-the-basket game that we use to play when we're still kids. That kind of situation was tolerable when you're in the stage of exploration. You wanna learn and experience new things. Not thinking about the feelings or emotions of other people around you. Sad but true. I am proud to say that I have outgrown that kind of behavior. A certain behavior that I've despised thinking about it and it's the last thing that I have imagined happening in my life right now.

I've thought that my new set of friends... all of them are mature enough to handle situations and control things on their own. It's my fault all along... I've convinced myself that all of them have the same thinking as I do. But I guess I'm wrong. Four of them, one stood up to be different. I don't want to drop names here but you know who you are.

At first, this "friend" of mine showed some intentions that he liked my ex named Kubs (not his real name). This ex of mine was so special to me, and until now, we remained to be good friends. So, being the nice guy here, I've introduced them. And the next thing I knew, they're together. Okay, I am happy for you guys... but that didn't last long. My "friend" fell out of love according to him or that Kubs was being possessive and so on and so forth. Bah! Okay. That was fine. I was not that affected actually.

Then, my "friend" striked again. This time, with someone I have attachements with for quite sometime and they just simply did it. According to him? They did it once. Once my ass! But I guess what they did was with mutual consent. If you guys wanna fuck, then go ahead! Be my guest. Just ignore the fact that we belong to the same circle. And when my BFF informed me about this, I was not really that surprised since I saw it coming. But I was thinking at that time that this is getting weirder and weirder. My so-called "friend" is getting out of control. Well, he's still a kid and I can see where he's coming from. All the sexual urges and raging hormones. Been there... done that! Just let it go Paul. After all, this is the second time he did it. Maybe he won't do it anymore. Like who am I kidding?

Just this last Saturday, when we went out to Vudu with friends, my BFF told me that this "friend" of mine screwed my ex again named J****E. I was dancing on the floor when my BFF said that and that really struck me. I was caught off guard by the information. Then, I confronted my friend and he just smiled. I asked him if they did fuck already and he denied things. "Shut up! I know you guys did it already." That was my exact line. Still, he smiled like nothing happened. I thought things will be fine. Tried diverting myself from dancing and feeling the music lifting me to Nirvana. As it was about to happen, this "friend" of mine blurted something out... "Paul, now I know that he's BOTTOM!" What the FUCK! Good thing I was able to control myself from doing something that he might regret from saying such thing. It was like adding insult to the injury. Breathe in... Breathe out... I'm just drunk... I could see the haze everywhere and good thing my BFF, Mikey Mike was there.

ENOUGH! And with that, I have this special message for you my dear "friend". I don't know if I should regret the day I have known you or from the day I have accepted you as my friend. I know you're goodlooking and that you have this uncontrollable urges. But like what I said... there's no need for me to brief you on what are the things a friend should not do to his fellow friend. We have treated you like our younger sister and we always give in to your rantings and demands. We know you're a brat and that irritates us. You have no idea. And yes, you've disrespected me. Not as a friend but as a person older than you. Remember the joke we use to say to each other? That you are my younger sister and you need to follow my foot steps on how to be the perfect "BITCH"? I did not expect you will take it literally. And oh by the way, please stop giving me the reason that it's not your fault my ex-es are asking you to do it with them. You know for a fact that they have special connections from my past. I guess you've missed the true meaning of friendship. Espcially in a group. Don't worry, you will still be my friend and I will show the same treatment to you with no changes at all. But deep inside me... my respect towards you have changed. It's not the same as before. And you've disappointed me BIG TIME!

That's it... Enough with the drama. One thing's for sure... I know where I stand and I won't be doing such thing to my friends. Including you. And by the way, if you wanna be respected, please respect yourself first. Toodles!

Vacation... Wedding... Official Alcoholic...

Dumaguete = laid back. That is the perfect description for this wonderful place. The main reason why me, Alex, Roshelle and Mika, which are my officemates are going taking this break is to attend the wedding of Charles and Lucille. Charles, which is known to us as Chucky, our co-TL, is from Dumaguete. We have been planning already to go there and the wedding served as the perfect reason why our Vacation Leaves should be given an approval by our Managers.

Thursday June 1, 2006

The trip going there was a bit long. From Cebu City, we took the bus going down south. We've reached the southern tip of Cebu already which is the town of Santander and the travel time is like 3 hours. We can really say that the trip is a bit long, but no journey is long if you have the perfect company. From there, we took the fast craft going to Sibolan, which is a town 30-minute away from Dumaguete City. And from Sibolan, we took the multi-cab going to Dumaguete City and that was for like 15 minutes only. It's quite near. Alex at that time really felt like a tourist, which is true and he can't stop waving to the people around him. And he's saying this famous line... "I love you Dumaguete!". But take note, the way he pronounces the word Dumaguete is DUMA-GITI! I know this may sound offensive but we were like making fun out of it. We stayed at World View Pension by the way which is like a few steps away from Silliman University. We rested for a while then we went out to have some coffee. Too bad Roshelle played the party popper at that time. She was like sick all the time and I don't know why. Mika accompanied Roshelle back in our room to get some rest. So, i brought Alex with me to Cafe Memento. The place is so cozy and it's right beside Silliman. We took the picture from our table of the oldest building in Silliman which you can see up there.

Dinner time... we stroll along Boulevard to get some breeze then after that, we went to Coco Amigos. Andale andale! Mexican inspired resto and we started calling names to the waitress such as... Marimar, Fedra, Ruby and all the famous names from the old Spanish-Mexican telenovelas. Then, we transferred to El Camino to continue with the booze. We stayed outside and we had more red horse. Damn! Prior to our trip, I have been drinking already since Wednseday. Every night, straight. Hahahahahaha... And guess what, they don't have taxi or jeepneys within the city. Their mode of transportation is tricycle. So, we got no choice. Bar hoppin in style but instead of bentleys, we have tricycle! Amazing! We ended up drinking around 2 in the morning and there were no tricycles outside. Walk with faith guys! We walked along Boulevard, swaying from one side to the other, laughing at the top of our lungs while singing a song...

Me: How much is that doggie in the window?
Alex: ARF ARF ARF!!!

That moment was priceless.

Friday June 2, 2006

It's Chuckie's wedding. This is not the first Christian wedding I have attended but it will be for Roshelle, Alex and Mika. The couple is from Bread of Life and we were amazed with the way the church was set-up especially the altar. All of the young people from the church helped the couple in setting up everything and they really did a great job. Prior to that, Alex and Roshelle were anticipating that they will really cry on the wedding. Feeling ex-girlfriends? LOL. We went out for a while to light a cig then we saw Chuckie. He looked great in that barong and you could really see that he's happy and in-love. Chuckie waved to us and then, Alex said that he was holding back his tears. And he was really teary eyed at that time. Then, Roshelle started crying like Judy Anne Santos. Hayyyy... To make the long story short, they were crying during the wedding and count me in. I cried once when Chuckie started crying while giving some message to his parents. I hate it. I couldn't see myself in that kind of situation. Ugh! So, the wedding lasted like almost 3 hours. The couple took the Calesa, going to the Reception. That was really cool indeed. They look great together and I know they're happy. And by the way, the reception was great and the funny thing was that, the wedding cake was gone already. The guilty party? US! Mika didn't know that the layered cupcakes with icing on top was the wedding cake. He took one then others started getting as well. Good thing there was something left on top and that's the one they've sliced for the wedding cake ceremony. Bwahahahahahahahahaha... And our table was like heaven. We are filled with smoke and we are the only smoking table at that time. Weird. Kevs!

Right after that we headed on to El Camino again to party. We didn't join the after wedding party anymore since we know for a fact that alcoholic beverage was banned. No offense meant but I guess majority of their guests doesn't drink like crazy. Like me. And before the party ended, I was being gropped already by this person together with his friend. Yes, two of them, one on my front and the other one on my back. Sandwich dancing like crazee... So, try to figure out what happened next. Don't want to give details on that one anymore. Don't want to trash myself. WOW! Plastic lang? LOL!

Saturday June 3, 2006

I didn't sleep in our room right after the party and I woke up in somebody else's bed. There ya go. I left my semen in Dumaguete. Kidding. We left for Cebu City around 5 in the afternoon. Right after that long trip again, Alex and I decided to get a good massage before we call it a night. But then, Glen and Mikey invited me to party with them. Got no choice. Right after massage, took a hot bath and party like crazy again. Drunk? Wasted? Yes! Four nights in a row. VUDU was so so at that night and we've decided to transfer to Mango Square to join Lorymer, Jairus, Gil and friends. Red Horse again! The drink of my life. I'm starting to get rid of my Vodka Addiction. I am shifting to Red Horse. I was really wondering where on earth do I get my energy to drink and party like this. We went home aroun six in the morning already. Talking about morning the night. Ugh! By the way, just visit Mikey's blog to check some of our pics there.

Sunday June 4, 2006

Got some missed calls from Glen and an sms mesage from Mikey informing me that they're in Ayala. Whew! Dragged my ass to the shower and joined them. After East West, we went to Zen Spa so that Glen can have a massage while the rest of use had our nails done. Pedicure and Foot Massage galore! Right after that, we headed on to Casa Verde to have our dinner. T'was a bit early and we don't know where to go after that... And guess what... Another bright idea from Paul. Mango Square. As usual. We hang-out at Numero Doce and started getting our Booze. Drink again? YES BITCHES! Five nights in a row and now I am an OFFICAL ALCOHOLIC! I won't be giving out the details on what have happened at that night. Don't want to divulge some sensitive information that may lead you to think I am a slut, whore, bitch, aggressive, etc. Yes! Don't want you to think that even if it's true. LOL!

Be resourceful girls if you really wanna know the details. Read some of my friend's blog and you will soon figure it out.

Sunday June 5, 2006

The first night of the week wherein I'm sober. Hik!