Oh boy!.. This is the third time I've spent Christmas away from home... away from my family. The first time was so hard for me and so sad but now, it feels nothing. It's been a part of me already to spend it with friends and colleagues. We all share the same sentiments and good thing the group served as the support system for each crippled soul of ours. It made me think and realize as the year comes to an end to open a new opportunity for us. The people I've hurt, the people I've loved, the people I've taken for granted and to all that have been a part of me regardless if it's a one-night-stand or something special whom you've tried working it out.

Dec 24 Eve:

Christmas Eve was something this year. For one, I've spent it with my new Family here in Cebu. My new friends from work... Alex, Erwin, Jeebs and Eds and my gay bestfriend of course... Mikey. We prepared some food to share with and Alex was our Chef of course ala Penelope Cruz from Woman on Top. The Spag was a delish by the way Madam Chan! We lurve it. We just had a chit chat outside the house while enjoying and hating some of the fire works. Then Eds and Jeebs joined us before the clock striked 12. It feels so warm spending Christmas with people that are good to you and really knows how to value you as a person and as a friend regardless of your personality. This is one thing I love about us, even if we have diverse personalities but still we've learned to accept each other's differences. Then, Mikey joined us after midnight and he brought some booze... Bailey's, Red Wine and a Chardonay. We just had a few glasses then Eds and Jeebs have to leave since they have a work still at 3 in the mowing. Then Mikey left also to join Lorymer, Jairus and Ash. That left me with nothing to do and that's when I've decided to go to the office as well to finish some stuff. By the way guys, if you work in a Call Center, the chances of you spending it with family is super slim. Just condition yourself that there's no chance at all, better yet, no Christmas at all. Boohoo...

Dec 25 Eve:

Christmas Day as usual was an ordinary day for me. Woke up at 4 in the afternoon, had some late lunch then waited for Alex so that we can go to Ed's place together for some small drinking party session. Ed's decided to have a small party gathering in his place as a post Christmas Eve Celebration. But this time, no Noche Buena instead, Vodka and Wine is served. Yipee... That night was raining and we felt like going there in our Winter Regata. Hahahahahaha...

Dinking Buddy List that Night: Alex, Eds, Jeebs, Chucky, Crisalyn, Erwin, Barbie, Mikey and Moi! Then Ceasar and his Iranian Cousin joined us for a teeny bit.

Cam-Whorin' courtesy of Mikey of course...

And oh by the way, Jeebs is like super wasted at that time. This guy really amazes me. He will invite you for some booze and the last thing you know, he's sleeping like a dead... WASTED HOLIDAYS THAT IS!!! Love you JEEBY MAE!!!

A year is about to end and I'm still caught up in this dillema. An issue that's been haunting me. A cold loneliness that envelopes my surroundings. Stopping me from loving. Stopping me from committing. Stopping me to be a person full of love and hope. The only person showing up is the OLD PAUL. The OLD PAUL is back my friends... I have buried him from the past but now he's back to swarm the City with loneliness, lust, anger and pain. I am just hoping someone is out there willing to help me overcome all of this. Damn! As thay say, it's a matter of choice. Matter of choice my ass! But seriously guys, to those people reading this... I am giving you a heads up. I AM UP TO NO GOOD!!! Please AVOID ME!!! If I am trying to be sweet and lovable infront of you guys, cut the crap right there and then. We don't want to end things as bitter as it could get. But to my friends, I will remain the same. This warning message is intended to someone, or to anyone wishing to have an intimate relationship with me. Purrrrr....

I am now officially awake for almost 30 hours guys... Yes, 30 FUCKING HOURS!!!

I was up yesterday at 5 am for work. I've spent 10 hours in the office and after that, I've met up with Mikey (my gorgeous gay friend) for some coffee before we go to Glenn's Birthday Celebration at 22nd Street. The original plan was to celebrate it with the Magecal Amegas (Me, Mikey, Glenn, Gil and Winston). But then, since it's Holiday Season, Gil went to Ormoc to celebrate it their with his family. Still, even if the group is not complete, we still had a blast last night (but it would have been a blast increased by a notch if Gil was there with us). After drinking some booze, smoking some cigs, a number of trips to the restroom, and some good laughs with the gay comedians from Manila, we decided to transfer to a different venue. And before I forget, Glenn, the birthday boy/girl sang on stage. WOW!!! A newly discovered diva. Nonetheless, I am so proud of you Magecal Glenn! Good thing those Comedians did not make fun out of us. I guess they can sense that we are up to no good if they will start fooling around us. Hehehehehehehe... So there, after 22nd St., we checked Cross Roads. The initial plan is to go to Vudu or Theatro but Mah Gahd!!! What's wrong with the place. I can still remember Theatro before wherein most of the people from the Gay Community is there dancing to the beat of Madonna, Cher, Kylie, and some Gay-Icon-Divas. But last night, it was like a gathering of all the expats here in Cebu. And when I say expats, old expats that is. Next option is Vudu, what the... It's R&B Nights. WE HATE R&Bs!!! The Magecal Amegas are programmed to dance only to Orgasmic House Musics. That was like a total DU-UH! There's no other place that we can think of to party except our favorite, VERANDA! I just love the place. They play all of our favorite House Musics... We can dance like crazy feeling the cum oozing out from our crotches (don't be literal sweetie). It's already a routine of ours almost every weekend. We usually go there every Saturday Night, with a bottomless vodka on the left hand, marlboros on the right hand, and shaking asses on the floor. Now this is what I call LIFE next to Shopping.

And on our way home, we saw two straight-acting-gay-kids along the street. We passed by them with windows open and we all looked at them and they stared back at us. Mikey stopped the car a few meters aways from them and waited for them to approach us but then we forgot that this is Cebu. The usual play here is, make a move if you like me. We are so over with that game. You will never get laid by just giving a simple stare and giving a simple smile. One should make a move and 90% of the gay population here in Cebu are scared to make that first move. And we, the Magecal Amegas belong to the 10% aggressive bitches. I asked Mikey to make a quick turn again so that we can stop righ infront of them. He did it with GUSTO! I initiated the talk, and to those who want to be a part of that 10% just ask me in person what was the line I've used at that time and by the way, I have lots of them. An assurance that you can get what you want. So there, within a 3 minute talk, they joined us. Winston went home already and Glenn was sitting there in the backseat. Those 2 gay kids knew Glenn pala during their chat-peak-career. That was really funny. We cruised and after that we ate at Sinangag Express. We then realized that those kids are too young to be molested. Bwahahahahaha... we dropped them to their respective places and went home as well. Thanks again Glenn, Winston and Mikey!!! Love you all!!! Thanks for being one of my families here in Cebu.

So there, I went home at about 4 am. I've decided to take a shower and go straight to the office. I am just too scared to take a nap... To those who doesn't know me, I am a deep sleeper and I can sleep like a pig the entire day. My manager asked me how come I'm a bit early for work which is unusual for me. Hehehehehehe...

I can now feel the numbness in my body... my eyes hurt... I'm so cranky (to my agents, sorry...)... Everywhere I look I can see my bed... I'm wearing shades now... Too lazy to move... But was able to take some pictures of myself during our meeting earlier here in the office (Cam Whoring Session)...

Somebody kill me... Please... I am so sll...ee....ee....ppp...yyy..yy.......

That's right bitches!!! Your Paul is RESERVED... for now. I don't know until when. Maybe until today, tomorrow, next week or forever... I hope not. Teehee...

These pictures were taken last Saturday at Veranda (Courtesy of Mikey). Even if Astroboy (that's moi) is not feeling well, still, he dragged his body together with Mikey and Glenn for some dancing and some booze. Yes guys, this is our life. We work like crazy the entire week, killing ourselves with Reports and all those shitty stuff but expect us to party like crazy also every weekend. Just give us Vodka and Cigs and there we go... Mopping the dance floor. The staff should thank us for mopping their floor with expensive shoes. Hahahahahaha...

Actually, I've been sickly these past few days. Fever attacks at night but feeling better by day. Tonsilitis and I can't even swallow the food without feeling some pain. This is better than diet I guess. I hope this will work out. I need to cut some of those flabby fats on me. I am not like this before. But lately, I've gained weight fast the same our economy dives down. I have myself checked with the Doctor yesterday and he advised me to rest for the entire week. What the... I can't rest that long in my room. Tried doing that but my mind is with work. I can't stand the thought of going back to work after a week's rest and finish all those pending reports. No way!!!

So, here I am now pretending to be perfectly fine. Wow! Healthy Kid!!! They better wait until I collapse here on the floor. They better carry this delicate-gigantic-cutie-cuddly-body of mine. But I am hoping actually i'd be confined for a week. They should sedate me with drugs and have me sleep the entire week. And then, I can only say that I had the best rest so far in my 24 years of existence here in this Gay World.

Guys, meet my bestfriend... I call her BES! This was taken in Kasadja after our Christmas Party! Too bad Mikey was not there!!!

Behind those smile actually is a lonely person, waiting for someone to take him home. Just to let you know, I am still homeless as of this moment. I may be sleeping in a room but still it's not home for me. I can only say that it's home if someone is waiting for me. Waiting for me after my work. Wishful thinking again. I know people may see me as the happy-go-lucky-biatch but they are all wrong. It's just that I chose to hide what I truly feel since I don't want other people to see me suffering. That's not me at all. But I don't know until when I can carry all of these... Drama drama drama... I am starting to act like a Drama Queen again. Enough of this!

That's it for now... I have promised myself not to exceed 12 hours here in the office... Enough is enough! Until then!

Cynic and Jaded...

After failing relationships from the past, this has tainted me emotionally. My core has been covered with stains, scars, aches, etc. This has made me insensitive, asshole, damned, cynic and jaded that is. I am too tired pretending to be happy. I am too tired fooling other people's feelings. I guess I will have to settle being single for quite sometime.

First of all, I would like to say SORRY to all of the people I've hurt. It was not my intention at all to hurt your feelings. God knows I've tried to develop some special feelings deep inside me but it's not working. The harder I try, the weaker I get. I have been telling myself that I'll find someone who would love me the way I used to love. I guess for now, the possibility is super slim. Like there's no possibility left at all.

My friends may see me as a he-bitch, man-whore or whatever... It's because this is my choice. My choice for them to see me as an individual who's strong and can surpass anything. Name it. From career, friends, material things, and sex life. It seems that I can always get them. After all, the OLD PAUL is different from the NEW PAUL now.

OLD PAUL loves to be around. Jumping from one relationship to the other. Leaving the other person once a new guy comes in. Let's say, who's hotter in bed. I have to admit what matters to me before is sex, sex, and more sex. It even came to a point wherein most of the gay people from the community hated me. They started throwing rumors at me. Like the usual line is... "You are going out with Paul? Are you sure? He changes boyfriends like changing clothes!". Like I am so used to this kind of comment from other people already. But it never stopped me from doing what I want. Even old friends are telling me that time will come wherein this will take its toll on me. Karma. Llike I don't believe in Karma so long as it is a good Karma. That's it. That's me. The OLD PAUL.

Until one day, I woke up feeling too tired of doing the same thing over and over again. Like it doesn't make sense. I release my cum infront of different people and still, nothing special about it. This is the time wherein I decided to have a steady relationship with someone worthy. Guess what, it didn't work out. My first serious relationship lasted for a year. Long Distance relationship is not okay with me. I am a non-believer of LDR. And then, my major Relationship started 2003. That was magical. A NEW PAUL came out of the shell. Like my friends could not believe what was happening to me at that time. The NEW PAUL is loving, understanding, patient, controlled freak, no longer a party animal, was lost in the circuit and all those nun-like-traits. Well, it's my choice actually. I chose to be a different person. I gave out my all. I gave my everything. Until the last drop. It even came to a point wherein I could feel like I don't have a worth at all. No pride left within me. And things didn't work out. My world was shattered. I don't have to elaborate what happened but one thing's for sure, third party was not the issue. And for the first time, I was loyal to my partner. What an achievement right??? But I am proud of myself. And to my friends... I am sorry guys. I chose him over you. But I am sure you understand.

After then, I can't seem to find my emotions. I can't formulate love. I've been with guys, attempted a relationship out of it, but nothing. It's totally dead. I couldn't feel a thing. Like I was telling Mikey (closest gay-friend) about this and we share the same sentiments. I have been telling him also that I am destined to be a spinster. That is like so sad! I am sure for now that I can't be in a relationship. I can't commit. I know I can't play the role of a "partner". And again, I will only jump into a relationship this time if I am sure that what I am feeling is true and real.

But for now, work is there to keep me busy, friends to hang out with, money to spend on shopping. So far, I know I can survive. I may be in bed with different people but this time, I know now what's the difference between making SEX and making LOVE. I maybe a novice to this game before but now, I'm starting to jump into the expert level.

To the person meant for me. When? When will you sweep me off my feet? I don't want to be jaded all my life. I have lots of successes and sufferings in life that needs to be shared. I can't just keep this to mysell all alone. I hope you will come into my life before the sanity left in me is gone... Come... Come into my life...