I am so looking forward for my Vacation Leave this coming March 31, April 1 and 2. And don't forget to include my Rest Days this March 29 and 30. I will be out in the Office for like 5 days and boy I am so relieved thinking about it. This is all I need since boredom from work is really killing me. Hmmm... Come to think of it, it's been a year already since the last time I went home to Cadiz City (it's an hour ride from Bacolod City).

Well, the reason why your "queer" here will be going home this weekend is because of a Speaking Engagement. My School since Elementary and High School (Philippine Normal University) invited me to be their Guest Speaker for the up and coming Recognition Day and I'm a bit excited about it. I'm done preparing my speech already and thanks to my swarth for making some corrections on it.

I can't believe that I have achieved something already as an adult and the students should learn something out from it. I am still thinking if I will post my speech here on my blog... Hmmmm... I don't know yet. I need to get the reactions first from the people after giving the said speech before posting it here.

I'll be seeing some old faces again and I do miss my friends and classmates from High School. Some doesn't have a work yet, some are successful, some got pregnant, some got married and some are still studying. But that's just the way it is. You could not expect them to be someone you want them to be. After all, these are the choices we make. Choices that can give a big impact in our lives.

I can say that my choices in life are mixed. Some are bad but most of them are good. The life I am having right now is a clear indication about how I made those choices. But I have no regrets at all. I take them as a lesson as I continue this journey and I still have a long way to go.

Whew!

It's no longer fun working in a Call Center. Oh geez... I don't know what's going on with me right now. I no longer have the drive and the excitement to work. It seems that boredom and getting too familiar with what I'm doing is sucking me in. I see the same faces... dealing with the same person... talking about their performances... setting goals... and after the day's work, you go home, take a bath and hit the sack.

Just imagine yourself doing this for almost 2 years. I know I shouldn't be ranting about this shit but what can I do? I can't deny the fact that I am getting bored and I wanna do something new. But what? It would be the same thing if I will transfer into a different Call Center. Same work and same routine. And honestly, I think there's no work out there that can give me this much of a salary.

Aggghhh... I hate this feeling. I wanna be a model. I wanna be a Flight Attendant. I wanna be an actor. I wanna be a super star!!! IN MY DREAMS! For now, I am just an average queer, having a boring job, doing the same shit over and over again. I need divertion. I need new hobbies. I need a sport. If only time would allow me to do these things. Too bad I am just a slave of this cycle. And I don't know how to get out from it.

Help! I need help on this one guys! *yawn*

Me and my swarth just started this relationship officially last February 18, 2006. This is the Anniversary date of his shop as well in GenSan. But prior to that, we have discussed a lot of things concerning our personal lives. He did mention to me at that time that he's still in the process of getting over his previous relationship. While on the other hand, I was totally over with my previous relationship... a failure relationship that is. We talked things out and we've decided that we are going to continue what we have started and that we should be there for each other, having an open communication and all.

I believe that inorder for you to forget someone from the past, you need a help from someone who's willing to walk you through the way. I was that person who offered my help to him. He is a nice person, easy to be loved and he deserves more than just a heartache from his previous relationship. I myself is ready to move on and I am confident that we can get through this. I know myself better than anyone else and my decision in life taught me a lot of things. These things have been my guide as I continue this journey in life.

During the time I was hospitalized lask week, my swarth texted me telling me that he is watching the movie "Broekback Mountain" in GenSan, alone. But prior to that, he mentioned to me a couple of days ago that his ex invited him to watch that movie once it's being shown in GenSan. My intuition is shouting at that time that he is not all alone in the cinema house. I did not entertain the thought. Instead, I replied telling him to enjoy the movie and that he'll just text me once he get home. After a couple of hours, he called me up, telling that there is something I need to know. God! My fear is starting to appear right before my eyes. He told me that he did watch the movie with his ex. I was teary eyed and was holding back my tears. I explained to him that the least thing he could do is to let me know about it, and that there is no need for him to lie. But eveything was said and done. He apologized and I explained things to him, about the pain I felt at that time. I really felt betrayed. But then, he said straight to me that he is not guilty of anything else. What he's guilty about is that he lied to me. His exact reason why he did not inform me earlier is that I was being hospitalized and that he doesn't want to hurt me. Well, it was too late. I was hurt big time. He explained to me that he is not guilty of cheating. All his intention was to keep the friendship between him and his ex. I accepted that explanation since he mentioned to me before, that he wanted to keep his ex as his friend. I trusted him on that. I've accepted his explanation and pacified myself. Now, don't think of my partner as the bad guy. Yes, he did lie to me but that was for a cause. He apologized to it and he was sincere and I could feel that it was not his intention to hurt me. I've kept my composure and everything was settled then. But, I mentioned to him that I am not going to do the same thing that I did to my ex also, after I caught him red-handed, cheating on me. Well, I hope he won't lie to me the next time. He is also aware that he needs to work on the "TRUST" part, double time. By the way, they (my swarth and his ex) did discuss about me on their way home. My swarth informed his ex that everything is too late since I'm a part of his life already. This left his ex tongue-tied.

See, I have entered in this relationship and I have accepted my partner for what he is and to what are his shortcomings in life. I know part of it was my decision and I have to deal with it. Nevertheless, I was glad that he got the courage to admit it to me directly. He didn't wait for the other people to tell me what happened that night, about him watching the movie with his ex. Case cleared!

But earlier this morning, my swarth called me up again. He texted me prior, telling me that he wanted to talk to me since he misses me so much. Of course, I was touched by the gesture. It all turned out that there was a different reason why he wanted to talk to me. More or less, the call was all about his ex again. He went out last night with our friend form GenSan as well just to unwind. That's what he said. To unwind from the stress he had for the day. Well, the exact reason behind that, according to him is that his ex dropped by the shop to return the jacket that he borrowed. His ex was just there outside his shop and left the place after returning the said jacket. No words were said. My partner felt bad that things are getting sour and bitter between the two of them. He felt that his intentions of keeping the relationship as friends is not working at all. My partner and our friend went to this bar to forget about what happened earlier and there, his ex was there also. Now, the next thing that happened was that, his ex did not talk to him at all. As if he was not there. Well, this is a clear indication that his ex still got feelings for him. I am not naive after all. But in fairness to my swarth, he just ignored what had happened in the bar. And the reason why he told me all these things is that, he's not comfortable to tell these to his other friends. I was there not as a partner, but as a friend to him as well. I listened to the whole story, and yes, it was painful in my part. Just hearing your partner how affected he was with what's happening between him and his ex. I've explained my side to him as well. I admitted the fact that my 100% of understanding is with him and I am cool with it. I also mentioned to him that I have emotions as well. I was hurt again for the second time. We talked in a mature manner, trying to figure out what's going on. I made it clear to him that I have my own weak spots as well but these spots may wear out in the future. I was only hoping that he could settle everything about his ex as soon as possible. I know I have faith in us and we can get through this. I know I am doing my part and I hope my swarth is doing the same thing. Well, he gave me his assurance again that he will totally forget about his ex and that we are going to continue with our wonderful relationship. I trusted him on that. I love him and I will always be there for him, not as a partner but as a friend as well.

It's like barely 2 months since we've had this relationship officially and we're encountering some conflicts already. Good thing these conflicts were settled the day it was brought up. I guess one important ingredient for a good working relationship is to have an open communication and trust. And I can tell that it's working. I really appreciate my swarth's honesty and openess towards me. This strenghtens our relationship and we still have a long way to go.

So, if you are going to ask me if this is an act of Martyrdom??? You got it all wrong. This is just a simple act of LOVE.

It's funny sometimes how Gays are trying to label themselves now adays. Others are saying that they are closet... Others are simply saying that they are OUT and PROUD. But did it ever crossed your mind like how CLOSET one can get?

After reading from one of Jessica Zafra's blog entry (http://twistedbyjessicazafra.blogspot.com), she mentioned there about Rustom's coming out episode in PBB. She mentioned from that entry as well wherein she was reminded by the term coined by the screenwriter-director Jose Javier Reyes. And the term used there was eskaparate queens. You guys are wondering to what an eskaparate is. Well, eskaparate is a closet made of transparent glass. I'm sure you guys have seen one already. I was just amazed to the term used to refer to gays, telling themselves that they are closet-type-of-gays, but the fact there is that, people can see them straight as gay individuals. I know I am not in the position to judge an individual but come on... even if we are going to ask a kid if what they're seeing is a straight guy or a gay individual, I bet they can tell the difference.

I even had this conversation with a certain friend, and i tried diverting the conversation to his sexuality. I mentioned to him about seducing somebody of the same sex and I could not forget the same exact line he said to me... "Huh? What do you mean? I am not gay! I am straight!"... WOW! That was like my reaction at first. A big WOW! Okay, I respected that person and I did not push the issue at all. But boy I was laughing at the back of my head. Come on! You're one perfect example of an eskaparate queen. If you will come out in the open, sooner or later, people will only give this reaction... "See, I knew it!" Rest assured my friend, we are not going to push the issue about your sexuality. We all know who you are since you're an eskaparate queen. We can see right through you no matter how hard you deny things.

So there 'ya go bitches! There's a new classification of a CLOSET QUEEN and that is what we call, the ESKAPARATE QUEEN. And I don't belong to any of those. I am OUT and PROUD and always remember... CLOSETS ARE FOR CLOTHES!!!

Mwaaaahhhhhh...

ACUTE TONSILLITIS with a touch of RHEUMATIC FEVER...

Send SMS: "Hi Guys, I am being admitted here now in Chong Hua. I'm in the Old Building Room Number 409." March 18, 2006

Message Sent!

Flashback.

March 15, 2006

I woke up in the middle of the night shaking and feeling super cold. I was having chills that could make champagne perfect to drink. Shit! Another night chills. Night fever! Ugh! Asked the help of the mahiwagang bato which I refer to as Paracetamol and voila! Still shaking. Too bad I could not even shout Darna at that time. Hahahahahaha... Silly me. This thing happened when my partner from GenSan arrived and it was his first night here in Cebu. Well, a human blanket came in handy at that time. (Thanks swarth! Thanks for being there!) Che! I know it sounds mushy you bitches! Hehehehehehe... The bottomline here is that... I have a swarth*. Kamo wala! *giggles*

Back to the main story.

March 16, 2006

The next day, I woke up feeling better. No chills or whatsoever. Spent more time with my swarth* during the day, met up with his cousins during dinner and we had some sagbot thingee in this Thai-Vietnamese Resto called LEMON GRASS. Me, more particular with food, doesn't like their food at all. The only thing I loved there was there Lemon and Herb Juice. I'm not sure if that's the correct name of that beverage. Himala! I was able to finish like half a cup of rice and some meat. Lavatory please! Vomit is on its way! Hehehehehe... It's one of the easiest way to practice Bolymia by the way. Eat crappy tasting food and you'll vomit like crazee... Teehee!

After that, we watched Pride and Prejudice. Last Full Show with your partner? Isn't it sweet? The movie was great but I could not catch some of the dialogues from that film. I 'll just start reading the book once Lexie is done. In that way, I can relate more to the movie. Me and my swarth* by the way held hands all through out the movie. Gilok uy! mura kog gui gitik sa kigol! Bwahahahahahaha... But I started to have this fever again. We bought some meds on our way back to the hotel. My throat hurts already at that time and I know what's going on. TONSILLITIS! I hate it! Took some meds and slept like crazy. Same thing happened again! Body Temperature is climbing up the charts! One of the worst fevers I ever had. I was able to sleep after taking 4 mahiwagang bato. Too bad that was my swarth's* last night with me here in Cebu. :-(

March 17, 2006

Lulu, my cousin-in-law (Swarth's cousin/Assuming di ba?) drove us to the airport. My swarth is leaving for Iloilo to finish some transactions. Yes bitches, he's a businessman. Got his own thing 'ya know. So proud of him. I know we have our own priorities and I just can't stop him to stay longer. Each of us got to do our own thing inorder to survive. On my way home, I dropped by at Maxicare to have myself checked with their Doctor. She prescribed me some antobiotics and I hated her for prescribing me the expensive one. Hmp! Php135.00 per capsule and that's like twice/day for 7 days. Do the math! I hate it! Went home after that, took some rest and experienced again the same thing that night. Rheumatic Fever Galore! Pisti man jud ni ang rheumatic fever oi! hikap gud nako ako itlog and super ka init! Feeling nako kay murag maluto na jud! Hard boiled eggs everyone? Bwahahahahahaha!...

March 18-20, 2006

Michelle!!!! (by the way, that's our helper's name). Fix me some noodles! I'm Sick! At that time, I was having fever like crazy and my throat hurts like super! I'm having difficulty talking already and called up my Doctor and she advised me to have my self confined so that they can check on me regularly. There ya go, decided to pack up my things and zoomed directly to Chong Hua.

Scene 1: Encounter with the ER Personnel

Me: Hi Miss! Where's your admitting section?

Nurse: Asa ang pasyente sir?

Me: Ako ang pasyente Miss! (Bweset, di man gud nato ma deny nga pretty ra guihapon ko oi! Bisag guimasakit! Bwahahahahaha)

To make the long story short, I was checked by their ER Doctors. Damn! I was even scared 'coz I saw the chart with the Doctor's orders. Things needed to be performed: ECG, CBC, X-Ray, Culture Test (from my tonsils), IV, etc. After that, I was forwarded to my room to take some rest. And that was the time I've started texting some of the people from my Contact's List and I really appreciate all the Love and Care!

Special Thanks to all these Lovely Creatures who visited me while I was being treated in Chong Hua:

1. Glenn Bacalso
2. Michelle Avendaño
3. Alexis Chan
4. Crisalyn Gantuangco
5. Herbert Villarosa
6. Ash
7. My Bes (Sharon Francisco)
8. Jopals
9. Jed Narvios
10. Mikey Mike
11. To my agents (Janice, JR, Donald, Dennis, Cris, Iris, Maricel, Mary Grace, Melissa Lagat, and Hariet)
12. Dr. Arlene Kuan
13. Honeylette Batiancila
14. MAXICARE Peeps!

Thanks for the love and care guys!

And on the third day in the Hospital, I can't take it anymore. The place is so sad and so depressing. I was even too emotional at that time. I could hear myself sobbing at night. That really prompted me to ask Dr Kuan if I can go home since I am feeling better. Hmp! In one condition she said. I need to have another CBC. Grrrr... another needle? *sobbing* After an hour, they have my results already and they gave me the discharge order... Yipee!!! Now I can go home.

As usual, I processed the papers and thanks again to Honey, for being there and for letting my Form 1 signed here in the HR Office. (That's for the PhilHealth by the way). My bill amounted to like Php 20K++ but I paid for the Miscellaneous only. Hehehehe... And do you wanna know how much is it? Php 150.00++ Not bad for staying there for 3 days. But guys, their food SUCKS!!! Good thing my throat hurts and I can't eat well. Now, my next stop is... RIVERSIDE MEDICAL CENTER in Bacolod City. This time, I will have TONSILLECTOMY. I need to have my tonsils removed. I am having frequent attacks already and this might affect my HEART. Exactly the reason why they perform ECG on me to check if there were complications already. At least if I'll have it in Bacolod, my mom and my sis is there to take good care of me. Watch over me.

Will keep you posted about it guys! And sorry 'coz I only got this single picture.

P.S.
By the way, Smoking and Sweets are the banned items for now. I haven't smoked for like a week already and the sweets? Wala na rin. Hmp Hmp Hmp! :-( What about deep-throat or swallowing? Hmmm... I forgot to ask Dr. Kuan about it. ahihihihihihihihi...

swarth*=sweetheart