Someone asked me to be his partner actually right after my ex broke up with me but I know it will be a rebound. If only I'm stupid and immature I would have grabbed that chance and end up hurting him in the long run. Or hurting each other in the long run.

Good thing I had the courage to tell him that things won't work out if we'll commit ourselves to one another. Thinking that I'm still clinging to my past, I know it will only be unfair to him. And I'm thankful this guy understood what I meant and that we remain to be good friends. Though I have to admit something happened between us right after my ex walked away and it was great. But sex is not the only basis to jump in a relationship. Gotta enjoy the single life again. I kinda missed it.

Hmmmm... I was thinking of going to Dumaguete City actually this Thursday and will be back on a Saturday, just to get away from the busy life of Cebu. Just enjoy the laid back lifestyle they got there and spend some time with myself. This is just a plan though and I am not so sure with it. Hopefully it will push through.

Do you think it will be better if I will put highlights on my hair again? I am thinking of platinum. I am so bored with my black hair already and I need some changes with the way I look. In that way, it will be obvious that something drastic happened to my life lately. What a girly thing to do. Hahahahahaha...

Come what may. Ugh!I am a complete mess right now. No direction. Lost.

Help.

I have been pretending that I am perfectly fine but I'm not. I've convinced myself that I have moved on but I'm not. I'm holding on to him and I can't just let it go. I'm stuck.

I know my previous post was a bit unfair to him and that I solely put the blame directly towards him. My ex was a good person and I want my friends to know that. At least he was honest to me that he doesn't have feelings for me anymore. I know he felt bad with the stuff I mentioned here in my blog and I take that back. We don't need any scientist to decipher what I felt towards him. I felt bad and deeply hurt and I acknolwedged I was a bit disoriented at that time when I wrote the post. I was in rage... full of hatred. I have accepted that he walked away from me already and let me just keep the moment of looking at his back... as he take each step out from my life.

He's still 17 years old when we talk about GAY-STENING! (if there's christening, then there should be a term we need to use to gay people coming out in the open). Yes, he's still young when it comes to gay relationships and I know how it felt. I was once like him before. I could easily say that I love the person and the next thing I know... I drop them like a hot potatoe. We talked just now and we cleared some stuff. He told me that he's committed with someone now and good for him. Well, I can't blame him. This guy came into his life earlier than I did. But they've lost communication and my ex gave me a chance to share life with him. He fell out of love and this guy started calling him and all. Well, good for them. Before we hang up the phone, I dropped this line to him... "I can't wait for the day wherein you'll turn 21..." And he got my message.

To my ex... take good care of yourself always.

To my friends... please hang on there and stay with me. I don't know what to do without you in my life.

To myself... cry if you feel like crying. There's nothing wrong with it.

I don't know what happened just now. I have never planned of calling my ex to check on him but I just did it. I picked up the phone, dialed his number and listened to his voice. I was planning not to say a word but it may sound weird for him since he knew I was the one calling. Thanks to caller id. Shit! I just said "hi" and asked if he's doing fine or what... I was even thinking I would feel something out of it but i saw myself smiling. I just realized that I'm feeling better and slowly I have started to accept things now.

I have to admit I cried the other day. I was hurt and I have acknowledged that feeling. And now I know it's time to move. And yes, I don't even feel the distance and now I am proud to say that I am not missing him anymore.

And remember the song I posted prior to this? Still listening to it over and over again. And I know I will be a-okay if I've decided not to listen to it anymore. This one serves as the voice inside my head. Telling me that I should move on and stop thinking about that happened. This serves as my therapy. If someone would burn a cd for me with this song from 1 to 15 then I would be more than happy. I bet if you will visit my place, this is the only song you will hear playing over and over again.

My wound from the operation has started to heal and so is my borken heart. It all happened in the same week and I know superficial wounds may heal faster than the emotional ones. But let's see if I can get through this with flying colors.

I would like to thank my shrink... her name is STACIE ORRICO. ;-)Until then.

I'm Not Missing You - Stacie Orrico


Oh, Oh
I’m not missing you
Been through just about everything that I could go through
When it comes to relationships
Don’t know what I was missing or why I ain’t listen
When I told myself that was it
Now here I go, hurt again
Cause of my curiousity
Now that it’s over
What else could it be, he just had to cheat

I made a promise never to settle
Why didn’t I keep it?
Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around

CHORUS
(But) I’m not missing you
I’m not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I’m not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do
I know I’m usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time it’s different
I don’t even feel the distance
I’m not missing
I’m not missing you

It’s a shame in a way cause
I feel that I may not ever find the right one for me
Did I leave him, is he right in front of my face oh
Will my true love ever be?
Why would I go on a search again
When I know what the end will be
What good is love when it keeps on hurting me?

I made a promise never to settle
Why didn’t I keep it?
Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around

Chorus x 2

No I can’t be with you
Cause I'm scared felt like I was falling when you left me
I can’t keep going through life
Unaware of what I missed
And the person I could be
Love's good when it’s right
And when it's left in your memory
All the times I let you down
I guess love will be nice for someone else's life

(But) I’m not missing you
I’m not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I’m not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do
I know I’m usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone (I used to hate it)
Oh different, oh feel the distance
I’m not missing
I’m not missing you


I’m not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me (knockin' at my door)
You might have had me open
But I must be going because (it's the best day of my life)
I know I’m usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
Oh different, feel the distance
I’m not missing
I’m not missing you I'm not missing you (oh baby)
I'm not missing you
I'm so over you
It ain't even a problem

*This is the song I would love to hear over and over again...

Damn! The week was a roller coaster ride for me. After a series of partying every weekend, I finally got to pay for everything. My health is taking its toll on me. Just last Monday, I had an apendectomy. It all started with a stomach ache and the pain is bouncing everywhere inside my gut. I have really thought that it's only normal or it's only hyperacidity.

It all started last Saturday, October 14. Still, your bitch here ignored the pain and partied like crazy. Then, the day after that, the pain is still there and it's a bit intense. I am not a pill-popper or something but that day, I have decided to take some meds hoping the pain will subside. But those meds failed. Everytime I move the pain is pinching like crazy. The first thing that came into my mind is that it's related to kidney or liver since booze is my H2O. What else can I do? I have insurance with me and I have decided to take advantage of it. I brought myself to Chong Hua with the help of a good friend Sheryl. I even informed the Doctor from the admitting section that I will have myself confined for a day and hoping they can figure out what's wrong.

Emergency Room. I hate that place. The Doctor started to conduct some test and they asked me which specific area the pain radiates. I pointed it on the lower right quadrant of my tummy. He pressed that area with his index finger and the pain radiates like hell. And after he removed that... the pain was bouncing like a maniac. Then he suspected it's apendicitis. I have suspected it myself but I'm just denying it. I can't imagine myself to have an operation. He said an ultrasound will confirm everything. Monday came, and my case was referred to a surgeon. He visited me that morning and he mentioned that he scheduled me already for an apendectomy that day around noon. I was a bit hesitant and I suggested to him that we need to get the results first from the ultrasound. He said we will do it but with the way he sees things... he's 90% sure it's apendicitis. Ultrasound session was conducted and the Doctor confirmed that my apendix is swelling. Shit! This is it... I have to let them operate me before I'll suffer from a ruptured apendix which is more dangerous.

Everything was so fast... the next thing I knew I was wearing a hospital gown, seeing myself inside the OR... Anaesthesia was injected thru my spine... and I was totally sedated. I woke up after 3 hours inside the Recovery Room. It's all done. I had an apendectomy. Farewell to my useless apendix. And welcome to a new scar on my tummy. And the funny part is that the prep session inside the OR was like a little reunion for me. Some nurses I had shag with were there... And I felt a bit uncomfortable. I saw some surgeons there as well who did an operation on me... An operation with pleasure that is. Can you just imagine... all of them will be staring at me naked down below while doing an operation. That was priceless. At least they were all concerned about me. And what I nice way to see them all in one room.

I'm so thankful to all of my friends who visited me there and showed their concern. My mom was there as well and that was something I have to be thankful about. And my boyfriend failed to visit me at that time. Until I was discharged frome the Hospital, my so-called boyfriend didn't check on me. So much for having a partner.

And that was the time I started contemplating on some things... about me and my relationship. I finally got the courage to ask him if what we have is working or not. He couldn't answer me straight and he offered himself to visit me at my place so that we could talk. I refused his offer. All I need is an answer. By the way, this all happened last Saturday dawn. I then told him that we can talk about this after we get some sleep. The first thing I did after waking up is to check on my phone and I got a message from him.

"I'm sorry for everything... I've tried so hard to love you bit I failed. I was happy at first but the magic was gone so soon. I kept holding on for 2 months hoping that the feeling would come back but it didn't. Forgive me if I lead you on and made you believe that we are going to have a future together. You have all the right to be mad at me and hate me while I feel guilty. I'm sorry if I have to break your heart but this is better that to lead you on and go on pretending. Don't think that there is a third party 'coz there is none. I just don't love you no more. I'm so sorry..."

Lovely message right? God knows I have tried to work on our relationship even if it's long distance. I held on to what we've got. I have loved him. I've been fighting and have been doing everything I could to at least save our relationship. It takes two to tango but how can you perfect the dance if your partner is dancing a different step. I saw this coming already but not this way. Saying sorry is enough but to tell me that he don't love me no more? It's like a big slap on my face. And this lead me pretending I am perfectly fine. But I am not. I know I don't deserve this but what can I do... we can't force someone to work on something if they are not committed to it at all. The result is a failure. And don't ask me guys if I am okay... Definitely I am not okay. Don't be too cautious with what I feel. This is normal. I wanted to rage it out but I just couldn't. I am sick and tired of crying from my past relationships and I don't think this one deserves a dramatic ending. No need for me to cling on to it... I am not a lesbian. Me no clingy anymore.

What's the game plan for me now? Just focus on work and partying with friends. Go back to fucking and screwing around. Be insensitive and relive the monster inside me. What the fuck am I talking about here... Honestly... I have been forcing myself to be wicked. To be an asshole. To be a slut. Just to make me feel good about myself. I know after a good fuck I am still empty... figuratively speaking since I know someone just loaded something inside me. I hate what's going on with my life right now. I'm 25 and I can't even manage to sustain a relationship. I'm a big failure in that aspect.

To my ex-boyfriend... I hate you big time! Don't expect me to say hi to you when we cross our path. I despise you. I abhore you! Ugh! Leaving me alone is as good as having an apendectomy. You are useless just like my apendix. Both of you deserves to be out from my life! Finally! It's over! I am free again!

You want any last words from me? Here's one... "I have loved you... BUT I LOVE ME MORE!!!"

Sasabihin ng mga tao sa itaas na gagawa sila nga isang sistema para sa ikabubuti ng lahat. Isang simpleng proseso na magbibigay kaliwanagan sa ating isipan na tayong lahat ay pwedeng makinabang. Ngunit, sa bandang huli, lalabas ang katotohanan na tayo ay niloloko lamang. Kunsabagay, kung sino ang may kapangyarihan, siya ay hindi pwedeng tanungin kung bakit nagiging baluktot ang sinasabing sistema.

Ewan ko nga ba... kahit saan na lang may politikang nangyayari. Pucha! Kaya nga ako umalis sa unang kumpaniyang akala ko ay mabuti eh babagsak lang naman pala ako sa mas malala at maputik na pamamalakad. Parang aninong sumusunod sa mga yapak ko... Di man lang ako lubayan ng Putang Inang bulok na sistema na 'to. Di ba kayo nagtataka kung kelan tutuwid ang mga may kapangyarihan? Siguro pag puti na ang uwak... malamang magbago ang lahat.

Di naman sa nagmamalinis... alam kong isang korupt na tao din ako. Pero, sana naman, kung may gagawing kabulastugan, itago natin. Gawan natin ng paraan para hindi na masaktan ang mga taong hindi dapat masagasaan. Konting delikadesa naman diyan Ineng... daming taong nakamasid at baka bukas makalawa eh... babalik din yang lahat sa 'yo. At sana, kapag tinanong ka ng mga taong nasagasaan mo... ayusin mo ang pagsagot. 'Wag yong pabalang na parang wala kang alam. Hindi bagay ang pagiging mukhang tanga mo minsan. Sabihin man nating hindi ako yung isa sa mga nasagasaan pero may mga kaibigan akong talagang natamaan. Bumaba ang kanilang moral at hindi biro ang makipag-usap sa kanila para kahit papano, magiging magaan ang kanilang pakiramdam.

Sa mga taong nakasali sa blog na 'to... alam kong alam 'nyo ang ibig kong sabihin. At alam niyo na rin ang dahilan kung bakit sa unang pagkakataon... ginawa ko ang post na eto sa sariling wika natin. Ayoko ng gulo... eto lang ang nasa isipan ko.

Sa bandang huli... sino ba naman tayo para mag reklamo? Tayo ay mga tuta lamang at utusan ng isang taong inakala nating may utak at damdamin. Isang garapalang pampulitika na ipinihayag sa isang magandang paraan. Magandang paraan? Hoi! Hindi kami tanga! Putang Ina mo!

My Personality

Neuroticism	73
Extraversion	98
Openness To Experience	80
Agreeableness	1
Conscientiousness	27

Test Yourself Compare Yourself View Full Report Find your soulmate / pysch twin Uggs, Xanga and MySpace Codes by Pulseware Survey Software

You are sociable, outgoing, energetic, and lively. You prefer to be around people much of the time. You can be very easily upset, even by what most people consider the normal demands of living. People consider you to be extremely sensitive and emotional. Novelty, variety, and change spice up your life and make you a curious, imaginative, and creative person. People see you as tough, critical, and uncompromising and you have less concern with others' needs than with your own. You like to live for the moment and do what feels good now. Your work tends to be careless and disorganized.

Direct Effect of Stress!

BEFORE...

...AFTER!

Here is a perfect example of an employee working in a call center trying to kill herself from stress. May this serve as a reminder to all of us that we need to balance work with life.

I bet you don't want to happen this to you right? Bwahahahahaha...

Of course... I would like to thank my model. Sheryl Estemar. This one is for you pare! Mukhang babae ka na talaga... Pramis!