I am referring to my previous post regarding my plunging sex drive. The next day after I have made that post, someone from the net have proven that what I have felt that day was crazy and absurd. He showed me how great sex is... as always!

I guess this time my urge will just vary. It all depends with my partner. Let's face it... if the guy facing you is naked and is taller than me around 6'2" and a 21 year old for that matter. Bwahahahahaha...

That definitely replinished my fairy dusts and refueled me... full tank!

Whew! What a relief!

Let me give you a background of my sexual life first before discussing to you what my problem is. I started masturbating at an early age. If I am not mistaken, I was grade three at that time. Yes! That's true. I didn't know that what I have been doing was masturbation already. I am certain though that at that time, I can feel a different sensation if I will rub my palm between my thighs and gradually increasing the tempo until I can see my self shaking and everything was a twilight zone for me. Then, I will notice some white discharge on my undies. Clearly enough... that was masturbation. And sine then, I have been doing it like almost everyday until I have reached high school.

Then, I was exposed to the "sex" thing when I was around 12 years old. I was scared at that time and I didn't enjoy it at all. I enjoy more spending it with myself... touching myself. College years was a blast. I experienced the real thing and it somehow created a monster inside me. I have been craving for it. Wanting for more. I had multiple bed partners. Been into three-somes but not orgy. Those years was really crazy. I can remember having nightmares if I won't have sex for a week or two.

My crazy sexual urges lasted late last year I think. I can still remember wherein I'd rather sleep and ignore sex. Even if it's right beside me. I don't crave for it. I lost my interest on it. Just this last Friday night, someone from Davao paid me a visit and we did it. But it was not that intense. There is no drive at all. What the hell is going on with me?

The monsted inside me died down?

Have I lost my magic touch?

Have I drained my fairy dust?

Or I am just getting older and have realized that sex is not what I needed after all?

I think the latter part sounds better. And I will convice myself that it's the reason to what's happening into my life right now.


P.S.
Do you think I need to find someone that can help me with this problem? Say bring back the spark to my dying engine?

P.P.S.
And this makes me CRANKY all the time!!!

I have been contemplating on some things these past few days. I want to write them all down but I can't deny the fact that these stuff involves people. Sometimes we tend to be safe and just hide what we think and feel if we update our blog.

I am doing the old school way now. I have started writing stuff in my black book. Honest and intimate thoughts I have been keeping and no one will be able to read this until the day I die. Well, I am not that really sure if I can keep this safe. But I know they won't be having any access to it.

So now, I can totally vent out what I feel and have a strong connection between my inner and my outer self.

The question is... what will happen to this blog? Some safe random thoughts maybe but I know I won't be able to update this that often.

After all... I have totally mistaken the main purpose of having a journal. I have craved for attention and now I don't. I need to bring back my intimate relationship to myself. Being open and true.

Until then.

2007: WORST YEAR?

Well, I have to admit that this is not my year at all. I have never felt do dreaded coming in to work, my Tax Annualization was a complete bullshit!, my back is acting up again radiating down to my left leg, and I am thinking of quitting right now.

Changes are good but not for me this year. I am so fuckingly tired and this is getting out of hand.

I hate this year! I hate it so bad that I wanna run away from work and just overdose my self with some pills and won't be able to wake up anymore. They will just found my rotting body inside my room and that will end everything.

I am tired. I'm lifeless. I ran out of convincing myself that I am happy and everything is perfectly fine. But it's not! It's not!

Enough of this crapola! I have had enough!