What is it that I need to do inorder for me to feel satisfied? Some people are saying that it's human nature... people won't really feel satisfied. Am I one of them? Do I need to assert myself all the time to get what I want? Then what next? Look for something which I don't have and do everything to get it? Is this a never ending cycle? Nosebleed! This is driving me nuts!

So, if you guys are wondering why I'm ranting about this whole stuff... it's plain and simple. I sometimes don't get myself. Feeling happy now... in a few minutes I'll sulk. Feeling depressed to no apparent reason. Am I a follower of Brit Brit's guide to insanity? BIPOLAR HELLO! Sooner or later I will have to start shaving my hair. And do all those crazy stuff. I know I have friends who will remind me all the time if I am going beyond the limit. And I am greatful for that. Reality Checkers. As what I call them. Some of them will tell it to me straight how slutty I can get. Some will tell me I'm too wicked to function. Some will tell me I lure guys all the time. Partly of it is true. In Denial. No comment.

But some of them knew how I really feel. I know I have been searching and waiting for someone whom I could share with what I have right now and to what I will be having in the future. And admittedly, it's kinda difficult to find one. We evaluate their personality. What's their line of work. How much do you think they are earning. And all those checklists. I can't enumerate all of them. And as we get to learn new lessons in life, we add another item on our checklist. I know my personality is too strong. I think all the time. And it stresses me a lot. All I am asking is, to find someone who can totally dominate me. That person will decide for us. Do the thinking. Control everything. Where is he? I don't know. Used to have him, but he left me. And mind you... he was my longest. Which goes to prove that I can work well in a relationship if the partner I have is stronger than me. Personality wise.

I guess it's time for me to look for another spot. Fishing in one spot can give you the same variety of fish. I'm this *close* in moving to a different spot. But I am still hoping, the spot where I am standing right now, will give me the right one.

Stubborn me. K-Fed just left me.

Date: 04 Jan 2008, 19:26
hello,im gene from banilad cebu,coffee?just txt me 0905*******,see u

I got this message in my account in a gay website. And I know some of you knows about this already. Well, his account doesn't have any pictures on it. No profile details. Which means, it's plain blank. I didn't know what came into my head wherein I decided to just go with it. I asked for his picture but it ended up he sent me the same message again. Clear enough... he's playing safe and too discreet about himself. Who cares! I'm out. And I'm not at the losing end.

So, I asked him to have coffee here in Starbucks across our office. In that case, if he won't show up, I'm still okay. Since I'm doing something at work. We decided to meet up around 2 pm. The time wherein the site just closed for the day's operation. Same thing, I asked him what he was wearing and he didn't tell me about it. Instead he asked me to what I was wearing. Okay, I gave the information to him again. I was really thinking that everything was a big joke. Until he texted me that he's inside starbs waiting for me. I crossed the street, called him up and he saw me na daw according to him. But I am still clueless how he looks like or what was he wearing. I went inside Starbs and he approached me. Wanna know how he looks like?

He's roughly around early thirties. Sporting a long hair (but no that long). Medium built. Knows how to dress well. Good looking. Moreno. Got his own exporting business. Single.

So there, we had coffee, conversation, sharing some thoughts and ideas. And then he decided that he wanted to drink. Okay... being the alcoholic me, I said yes. We went to this place in Lahug, wherein most people working in a call center hangs out to have their alcohol fix. He drank 2 bottles of san mig light and I had 4 bottles of 500ml Red Horse. I was tipsy, and he was kinda tipsy as well. On the way home... things went kinda rough. Kissing, touching and ironing (plantsa moments-ask your gay friend what's the meaning of this word). And we're there infront sa house. We parked. Continued doing what we started. Bwahahaha... Until I realized that there are people still around us. Hello?!?! That was like 8 pm??? Too early for a shag.

We decided to hit it on some motel on the way home. And everything was fast. Rush. Fast forward. And we're both exhausted. Freshen up. Went home. Kissed each other goodbye. And honestly? I don't know if I will be meeting him up again. I might just be his one-night-stand encounter. And I will have to consider him as one too. We don't know.

And I will just realize one day... if I will come across him... I would mention to a friend that he looks kinda familiar. Memory lapses. Since everything was temporary. People may say we're tired of it. But we just can't help it. We wanted to get serious. But people wanted different things. Until when... until when will I end this?

We will never know.

2008: New Life... New Me!

Happy New Year to each and everyone (assuming that I still have my old readers with me considering that I haven't made any updates on this site)!

It has been a tradition wherein someone should create their New Year's Resolution at the start of the year. But I have to admit I don't have one. But, I celebrated my holidays in a different way. Others will travel, spend their Christmas Holiday in some expensive hotel, resort or whatever. But I have chosen to go home (to my hometown) after 5 years. Yes, I have been spending my holiday seasons away from my family for the last 5 years. But 2007 was different. And I guess it's time to give my family a simple yet memorable celebration of a Christmas Eve. At least they have known me better. Like drowning myself with alcohol in front of them and trying to light a stick of cigarette one after the other. Hahahaha... And mind you, my family knows about my sexuality already. Yes, they are happy that I am GAY. Gay and beautiful. LOL! Enough about that...

The most important thing that I would like to share is the OUTREACH PROGRAM that we did last December 26, 2007. We have adopted one barangay in our hometown, gathered the kids in that area and distributed some goodies (used clothings, old toys, snacks, candies, and food). It was organized by our batch in High School. And I would like to thank my classmates (Jabez, Shugar, Sarah, Jonah, Carmel, Zion, Christine, Biboy, Lester, Ceasar, and the rest who donated for the cause) for the effort and all. That was the first we did that kind of activity actually and we are planning to do it year after year. And we can come up with more gifts to give by that time. With the help of each and everyone. Thank you in advance.

Don't get me wrong here... some of you may have known how wicked I am but by the end of the day... I'm just human... capable of feeling sad emotions and loneliness... feeling sorry for those kids that are deprived with their basic needs. And seeing them smiling and having fun with the games that we conducted, seeing them enjoying the food and sharing some to their friends... that is more than rewarding. We don't care about the UV rays that can damage our skin just to be with them. And you know for a fact how can I get so arte sometimes. But there should always be an exception. A time wherein you will have to stop thinking about yourself. Think about those less fortunate around you. And it amazes me how other people would think that their life sucks because they don't have a glamorous job. Come on... be thankful that you have a job. It provides food in the table. Stop Whining. Just be thankful.

Whew. I just can't believe I said those things. :-)

Now I can say that I am done with the stage of thinking more about myself (but of course sometimes I will have to think about myself... less). It's time to go deeper. Minimize those wordly vices (ahemmm... kakayanin ko to. Pramis!). Stop ranting on things. Learn how to share what I have got. Coz at the end of the day... receiving "thank you" messages from the people around can make you feel good and can leave a big smile on your face. It's rewarding. And I know this... since I have received a lot so far.

Ang kulang na lang... eh yung magmamahal sa akin. :-( Hahay... Hopefully this year is my year. I couldn't ask anything more from my career, friends and family. Only someone I could share what I have. But that someone is nowhere to be found. Maybe he's lost. If someone will see him, please give him the directions kung saan niya ako mahahanap. :-) Baka naligaw lang. LOL.

And also, I will be updating this site regularly. will sort to writing again as my stress reliever even if I don't have the talent at all. Just random stuff.

I LOVE YOU ALL! AND WELCOME BACK TO ME! xoxo

PS. SRs Batch '98, I am having hard time sending the pics. It's such a huge file. Tried zipping it but still it won't work. I will find a way to send them to you. For the mean time, please send me your e-mail addresses. Thanks!